Monday, April 27, 2009

My Best Friend Lyle Says, "Oh, She's just bein' Miley"


Folks, I there are times that I legit shut my brain off for the sake of retaining my remaining functional cells. Some examples include:

- Meetings at work that take an hour to explain how to cut/paste images from PowerPoint into Word

- Nickelback on the radio

- Listening to campers at my other day job talk about ZOMG ZAC EFRON (Realistically, I will not even attempt to deny his dreamboatiness, but they're 12. THEY DON'T KNOW.)

- ShamWow commercials

And I mean, I am into a lot of retarded shit. Don't think a day goes by that I don't watch an Andy Samberg video or talk like Homestaw Wunnuhhhhhhh. I Jai Ho after one rum & Coke, for Pete's sake.

Aaaanyway. This article fell into that category the moment I trolled through some Sentinel Archives and laid my eyes on this bad boy's title. I'd say enjoy, but I should disclaim that you miiight wanna watch like, five minutes of some Carrot Top standup to prepare your occipital lobe's visual processing. Here we go:

Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys

[YOU CAN REALLY JUST STOP RIGHT HERE. SERIOUSLY. I WON'T JUDGE. IN FACT, I'D RECOMMEND.]

As I've mentioned in this column before,[rather than, you know, real news] I'm a big fan of country music [stop the presses. No, seriously, please.]. Much of country music, especially the kind practiced by older artists, is either country rock or outlaw country, which sits just fine with me [thanks for the breakdown, but I think the readers need a better visual, which I gladly generated for you here].

I appreciate the fact that some of the better country artists, like Lyle Lovett, Dwight Yoakum, Travis Tritt and Brooks and Dunn care about song lyrics along with the music [Ohmuhgahd I know! The musings of Lyle Lovett always hit close to home, like these words from the song "Church": "To the Lord let praises be/ It's time for dinner now let's go eat/ We've got some beans and some good cornbread/ Now listen to what the preacher said/ He said to the Lord let praised be/ It's time for dinner now let's go eat." 'Scuse me. I need a moment.]

I also like the fact that other country musicians, like Big N Rich, are willing to make you laugh along with making you rock [out with your *** out.. save a horse, ride a cowboy, pard'ner...].


That's why I was so disappointed when I watched the Country Music Television awards Monday night [Backstage at the CMAs a dick-in-a-boooox....].


The network, along with much of the rest of the world [a little broad, don't you think?], apparently seems determined to get a younger demographic.


So they trotted out teenage stars like Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus [I love his horse allusions, 'cause it's country, get it!!],along with a horde of younger country musicians, who must appeal to younger consumers, but are lacking in real talent [ugh, sing it loud and proud. BRING BACK THE GOODS].


Miley Cyrus sang a duet with her father, Billy Ray - yes he of the "Acky Breaky Heart" fame, which exposed her for what she is [this sounds... sexual], a likeable and smart teenager who can't sing, at least not on that night [Yeah. But at least she's like the first one evs to not have a mullet, skullet, or any 'ullet' whatsoev.].


In fact, she sang so poorly, it was painful to watch [alright I need to find what clip he's talking about... nope can't find it, this'll do just fine], even considering the fact that she's made so much money in the past few years that she probably never has to work a day again in her life to live quite nicely thank you [um... what?].


The truth is that younger isn't always better, despite our society's devotion to all that is young and hip [you're telling me].


Old-fashioned values like hard work, dedication and devotion to your craft still mean more than just youth [Ruh roh, I feel a grandpappy lecture a-comin'. Please, tell me more about country music's hay day (HAHA MORE HORSE FUNNIES)].


Take the Boston Celtics for example [Ok, get it, country mus-- hold the phone?].


Up until this year, the Celtics have been enduring a rebuilding phase with young talent for as long as I can remember [What the deuce? I'm just going to ignore the double prepositional phrasing going on, but the subject change? That was more abrupt than then ending to like, Blair Witch Project.].


It had been an abysmal failure. The Celtics were easily the worst team in the National Basketball Association last year and after losing the lottery, traded away their first-round pick to land veteran Ray Allen, who is simply one of the best pure shooters in the league [I know you enjoy sounding informed, but I'm not following the relevance.. I'm going to to watch some more Miley vids, brb].


They then added perennial All-star Kevin Garnett and prepare to enter the NBA playoffs today as one of the favorites to win the NBA championship [I st-st-st-uttered when you asked me what I'm thi-- oh this is still happening?].


Veterans like Garnett, Allen and Paul Pierce have a passion for what they do and know that in team sports, like any organization, you have to put the group in front of the individual [have you seen "Kittens: Inspired by Kittens" yet?].


At the same time, it's important to remember that the Celtics also have a group of valuable younger players who can now learn how to win under the new Big Three.These new country singers may be young, but for the most part, they're not very good [Oh. I see what you did there. Actually... no I don't. What kind of correlation are you trying to make? Celts are good, singers bad? All bad? Some good? Are you suggesting a Hannah Montana BBall team?].


Yet one by one, CMT trotted [ROFL MORE HORSE JOKES] out new artist after new artist, and left great artists to play a secondary role.


Sara Evans, who is performing at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium on Friday - which is an incredible place to see a concert - [- did I mention it's in Lowell - which is a town next to Chelmsford - which is where the Simspsons' town was based off of -] was asked only to introduce a performer, despite her great voice and hit greatest hits release.


That's the way it goes these days.


The truth is that unless you have a passion for what you're doing, whether it's basketball, country music or even newspapers, nothing else really matters [except for talent? Wasn't that the message? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?].


The key in life is to try to surround yourself with as many people as you can who are passionate about what they do [unless you're Miley. Having a passionate dad doesn't count].


I'm lucky to say I have a bunch that work with me here at the paper [lucky they haven't quit yet... give it like, 3 months], and yes most of them are young [TROOF. I was 19 when he hired me and 21 when I was told they couldn't take me back 'cause of a hiring freeze. And I was still like, the 4th most senior person there...].


But even old-timers like me can still get excited about what we're doing [Save a horse...] .


As for country music, if you were thinking of plunking down $100 per ticket to hear Miley Cryus, I'd suggest saving your money [save for it a rainy day, or for SOLID GOLD].


Did anyone else not realize that Lyle Lovett was Kramer from Seinfeld? Yah learn something new everyday.


Also, if I could make a sidenote about the absolute diarrhea that is sentinelandenterprise.com: So I go on there to look up old McMenemy schtuff, and they have the balls to charge $2.95 PER ARCHIVED ARTICLE. I can tap the NYT archive for fucking freesies. FREESIES! So, savor this post, readers. It cost me $3.00. I'd say it was spent better than the inevitably gross burrito I planned on buying for lunch.


Til next time!


LYLE'S ON A BOAT, NIGGAS, A FUCKIN' BOAT.

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