Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Dat Governor?

We Deserve More From Our Government

March 15, 2009.

Sixty percent.

[Fragmented sentence.]

That's the percentage of city lights in Fitchburg that will be going dark as early as this week under a plan hatched by Fitchburg Mayor Lisa Wong.

[Lisa Wong is a covert moniker for Penguin (HATCHED! GET IT? 'CAUSE SHE'S PENGUI...Nevermind). Loving the exposition here. "Heh heh dude, this is totally like, keeping my reader on the edge of their seat."]

That means that more than half the lights [really?] in a city with a significant crime problem [too many trick umbrellas] that's trying to attract new businesses [I could use another New York Bling! Bling!] and residents will be turned off [Yeah, I didn't believe this sentence could go as long as it did, eith-- Oh, hold up, was this supposed to be pun? You know, 'turned off' as in not interested, and then 'turned off' like how the lights will be? HOLY MINDFREAK BATMAN].

As I sit here in our downtown office [read: bathroom] on Main Street in Fitchburg writing this column, I still can't believe it [CALL RIPLEY'S. LIGHTS ARE EXPENSIVE.]

The mayor of a city in North Central Massachusetts [wait where?], not a war-torn part of Iraq or Afghanistan mind you [are you sure?], but North Central Massachusetts [Right. Thanks], has actually [the noive!] decided to turn off more than 60 percent of the city's streetlights [a totally new fact not yet presented in your article].

When Unitil took up to two weeks to get all the power turned back on after the December ice storm, people were ready to lynch the company's executives [Yiiiiikes. Good thing Robert Schoenberger looks Mormon ].They still are [Fact: Home Depot ran out of pitchforks right after generators.].

[Here Jeff made about 15 insinuations that Wong plans on cutting some street lights and how that (not ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT FITCHBURG, mind you) will lead to more crime or something. Bogus claims, says I.]

Whether it's at the local, state or federal level, we have endured so many injustices [I KNO RITE? LOlz I hate being an upperclass white man] that nothing seems to get us angry anymore [why don't you go blog about it? On second thought...], and we just expect things and go on with our lives [Ugh, journal, my parents JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME].

We deserve better [Oprah knows best] and we should demand better [U GO GURL] from our elected officials.

[Then he long-windedly poses the question of just how much Wong's plan s's Fitchburg's d:]

It's saving the city only about $64,000, roughly half [that's fifty percent] of the deficit in the streetlight account [HOLD THE PHONE. You mean to tell me this plan will cut the deficit in half? ONLY HALF? What is Wong with you? Hah.. hah..].

Coming after Wong slashed the library's budget last year [hey, the library budget challenged Wong to Mortal Kombat and she fuckin' pulled that fatality outta NOWHERE] and forced it to permanently shut its doors for four days a week, the mayor's latest move [Hold Start, then press Up (2)] again flies in the face of her promise to attract new businesses and residents to the city.

You don't get people to come to Fitchburg [period.] by turning off the streetlights [I mean, really. How are the coke dealers supposed to see?] and closing the library, you get people to leave Fitchburg [HEADLINE: Wong voted best Mayor EVAAAAR].

[Some foreshadowing about how he hates Deval Patrick.. trust me.]

Don't get me wrong, the mayor is very nice, very smart [but isn't an anal-retentive dude. Gah, so close, Mayor] and had the courage to take over the sinking fiscal ship [Fitchburg was called the Fiscal Ship of dreams! And it was, it really was..n't.] that is Fitchburg's city government [I'm not done with the Titanic references... The recession itself could not sink this ship!].

But she came into office without a real, specific plan to fix the city's finances [but she did have an excellent fantasy football draft] or encourage more development [maybe if she changed Fitchburg to Wongka's Chocolate Factory.. HAHA...hahaha..aha..phew].

And now we're all paying the price for her inexperience [but between now and April, find a Wongka Golden Ticket and you'll have 24/7 LIBRARY ACCESS!!!].

For example, Wong agrees to give raises to countless city unions that the city can't afford, along with leaving untouched some sweetheart deals [<-- real talk, Jeff: Lisa dumped you on prom night. And now you're bitter] in the contracts, and only now is trying to convince the unions to give the city concessions on their health-care coverage [you have no idea what you just said, but man, did it sound good].

Again, she's right to ask city employees to pay more for their coverage [weren't we talking about lights a minute ago...?], but she should have asked before she agreed to the raises and signed the contracts , not after [hun, I know you love your sister's Jonas Brothers t-shirt, but you have to ask BEFORE you show it off to your friends!].

Likewise, Gov. Deval Patrick [here we go] swept into office as the state's first black governor [so, so relevant] more than two years ago with promises of changing the culture on Beacon Hill and returning accountability to state government.

Unfortunately, he's done just the opposite [OHHHHHH BURN].

Sentinel & Enterprise reporter Marisa Donelan broke a story a couple of weeks ago about how Patrick's state police security detail went out and bought a $50,000-plus SUV to help protect the governor [she didn't break that; Fox whacked off to it several times before she got a hold of it].

Former Sentinel & Enterprise reporter Hillary Chabot [you may not realize this, but as a past copyeditor in the Sentinel Newsroom, I must disclose her stuff was teeerrriibbble. Like, we're talking, if you had to choose between wiping your ass with the junior novelization of High School Musical or a Hillary Chabot article....actually, no, nevermind],who now writes for the Boston Herald, broke a story on Friday detailing how Patrick's administration hired a longtime political supporter to fill a vacant state government position at a cost of $175,000 a year [yet you make how much, Jeff? For filling a spot in the newsroom with mental vacancy? Srsly though I'd love to know what his salary is].

And now, while the Legislature is debating his [BIG WORD OF THE DAY ALERT -->] inane proposal to raise the state gasoline tax to the highest level in the United States and trying to figure out a way to balance the budget, Patrick is again out of state [The puns! They slay me!].

This time he's vacationing in Jamaica [oh, my bad. Wasn't a pun] and has taken some of his state police security detail with him, all on the taxpayer's dime, of course [hey, remember when you used to take a brazillian vacations while the turnover rate of your newsroom staff was almost 100% per year? Yeah, me too].

We'd like to tell you of course exactly how often Patrick has been out of state and how much his travel has cost taxpayers, [but we use older-than-John-McCain iMacs that can't handle any browser newer than NetScape 4.0, let alone news feeds] but the governor, consumed with doing business behind closed doors just like the fat cats [like dees?] in Boston have always done, refused to provide us with documents detailing his expenses.

So much for open and honest government [Pfft, the government! Don't even get me started on the government! (Simpsons y/n/m?)].

He, like Mayor Wong, had no elected experience [like Urkel!] and no professional experience that seemed to indicate he would be successful in government [like Urkel! Sorry, enough of the Simpsons shout-outs already. This is just getting retarded].

Instead, he made his money by being a hired gun for an oil company [he's the first politician to ever do this ::cough BUSH ZOMG cough cough::] and a subprime mortgage lender, a fact that was conveniently ignored by his supporters who looked at him and saw the next rising star [dude! KERRY HEALEY!] in the Democratic party.

Well, how do you like him now [not as much as you like Toby Keith, apparently]?

There's no telling for sure what Patrick's next move will be [who dat ninja?].

But we're hoping that when he finally pulls himself off the beach in Jamaica [damn.] and heads back to Massachusetts with his security detail that we're all paying for, his stop in Boston will be a temporary one [DAYYUM].

Keep your fingers crossed and President Obama [nice.] may just end up finding a well-paying but not too challenging federal government job in Washington, D.C., for Patrick to escape to.

God knows he's not doing anything worthwhile here [Guh. I fold the laundry, iron the drapes and starch his suit and it's just NEVER ENOUGH. MEN!] .

The thing is, Jeff's columns are so heinous they're not even worth refuting intelligently (hence the multitude of Simpsons references). Crap like this makes its way into his own Sunday column EVERY WEEK. That's like, 20" or so of legitimately retarded text. How this douche gets a weekly byline crosses the border of unfair over to "you've got to be shitting me" territory.

Til next time!


  1. So, so, so funny. I have recently taken a liking to calling deserving people a "tool burger with douche fries." Not my created phrase - something I read elsewhere, but I'm spreading the good word. Seems like it might be appropriate here.

    I look forward to your next installment!